so multiple of us are able to map because, crazily enough, our osu trauma started before we started interacting with the community. osu has been an interest of ours ever since our bio dad's coworker exposed us to it back in like 2016 but we only really got into it after our classmate (who we saw recently :>) was on the website and that was our excuse to make an account (i admittedly always wanted to be closer friends with him but one i was kind of an asshole teenager and i think our acting out (childhood BPD stuff i think) kinda made him uncomfortable)

anyways i really liked the ability to make my own maps. custom level creation is one of our favorite forms of creative expression. his coworker that showed us osu in the first place got him fired in 2017 and he basically saw that as a sign to start like getting mad at us for playing osu? idk. we'd play it on and off between 2017 and 2020, when covid-19 caused our state to shutdown, at which point we started playing a lot more.

i have a very distant memory of him yelling and being verbally abusive while we were mapping rave 2 rave (one of our favorite sonnyc maps btw) as late as 2020 but we still map to this day because this dude thought the world was a simulation and was a fucking piece of shit to us throughout our childhood, and we weren't about to have this man ruin this. he already ruined drawing and movies and TV shows for most of us.

we realised we were plural after we walked out on bio dad. admittedly we were way too open about it for how young we were but this doesn't excuse any of the actions im about to describe. prior to having even ranked anything we were bullied in a osu! discord server for trans people by fucking JENNY of all people (mind you i had sort of respected her up to this point cuz she's just a lesjuh knockoff (but so are we lmfao)) for identifying as trans and nonbinary and plural. she would be intentionally belligerent about identity stuff because it didn't fit her binary gender perspective and these days sometimes i feel like being spiteful back and doing something hurtful back but i'd like to think we're a bit better than that these days. vindictiveness isn't healthy IMO. mind you though, we were 17 and she was in her late 20s or early 30s or something (and also one of server mod) and she was actively getting other people in the server to gang up on us.

so one could perhaps see why we were so sensitive when it came to sotarks coming around and vetoing my map over something that we saw as petty (a literal break, i still think to this day that sotarks should not have vetoed the map because i think he was being petty and couldn't handle that a new mapper was about to rank a song that he liked in a style that he didn't understand despite the fact that the song had already been ranked 3 times up to this point)

i don't really remember any of the ranking processes of that or any of my maps past that because that experience was traumatizing in and of itself and it made us realize in 2025 that ranking stuff is never gonna be something that we can really do in a healthy way so at this point we kinda just map for the sake of mapping.

i think about a joke that our friend an3 made that made me tell him about my system: "my mapping style represents my 50 personalities." he joked but like, multiple of us can actually map. definitely not 50 of us we don't care about osu THAT much lmfao but more than a few of us like to map and have been mapping for a long ass time.